Toronto loneliness remedied by unique social club run by Mississauga-raised woman

“People say they don’t like Toronto because they can’t make friends.” 

That proclamation, made by so many people who find Canada’s biggest city cold and its residents aloof, was something Rabia Sohail, a Mississauga-raised digital creator, had heard a lot from her peers. 

Instead of bowing to the temptation too many Torontonians (and Canadians, really) have to simply agree that the city is awful and lament that life would be better in Paris or Tokyo, she decided to do two things: Curate her Toronto IRL newsletter, which is packed full of things to do (many of them free or affordable), and start building a community at home (literally). 

“I quit my job in May and I felt a little burned-out and lost,” Sohail, who has a background in marketing and technology, tells INsauga.com. “I thought, ‘How do I want to spend my time?’”

Sohail was able to reflect on what she wanted to do during and after a trip to Morocco. While travelling, she couldn’t help but notice that the spirit of community was more profound in the North African country, and that the closeness reminded her of Pakistan, where she was born. 

Around the same time, Sohail saw that popular TikToker Vic Lauren had turned her apartment into a cafe and she thought she could take the concept for a spin in her Liberty Village condo. 

“I thought, ‘How can I work with what I have to play an active role in building community?’”

In July, the Serendipitous Cafe was born. 

“I made a page for the cafe on Luma and I made a TikTok and it sold out,” Sohail says, adding that the cafe–which has since taken off–allows up to 15 attendees to attend for $11 each.  

“I didn’t spend a lot of time in the ideation phase because you can perfect an idea if people are interested. I thought that if it didn’t work out, I could just tell my friends to come over, but it sold out super quickly and after the first cafe, someone said they wanted to come back because it was the most fun they had had on a Saturday afternoon when normally they would sleep in.” 

After the inaugural cafe earned high praise from attendees, Sohail committed to hosting the informal coffee meet-ups almost every weekend and began gaining more traction on social media.

“People started following on Instagram and the cafes sold out,” she says. “Some weekends, I do them Saturday and Sunday.” 

While it might seem unusual to charge people for casual events in your kitchen or living room (coffee or no coffee), Sohail’s events have thrived because the cafes do more than just allow strangers to mix and mingle over lattes–they give people (many of whom might work from home) the opportunity to connect face-to-face with people they wouldn’t otherwise meet.

“All my jobs have been in person and I’m a very social person. I was so used to spending 40 hours a week with people. The cafe allowed me to do that in a way that also benefitted other people. I want to meet new people and expand my community in Toronto and create a space for other people to do that,” she says.

The cafes are also themed. 

“I’ve done book clubs, crafting events, a vision boarding event and a photo walk,” she says, adding that she’s also been liaising with other community builders to potentially build partnerships.  

Her IRL newsletter also promotes activities and events hosted by smaller organizations and has highlighted everything from MilkUp’s Cownty Fair at Wychwood Barns and a comedy show with a roster made up entirely of women of colour to the Sober(ish) Fest at Henderson Brewing. The newsletter offers readers a comprehensive overview of everything happening in every corner of the city, pointing out the various pop-ups, art markets, fitness classes, painting classes and skincare clinics that happen all the time. 

“Small businesses or not-for-profits or grassroots [organizations], I will feature for free in my newsletter,” she says. 

Beyond letting people know what’s happening in the city, Sohail’s work also–perhaps unintentionally–addresses another monumental crisis prompted (or at least exacerbated) by the pandemic: Loneliness. 

Last year, the Toronto Foundation’s Vital Signs 2023 Special Report indicated that people who live in Toronto and the Toronto Census Metropolitan Area, which includes Mississauga and Brampton and the overall Peel, Halton, York and Durham regions, are lonelier than people in other parts of Canada. 

The report says that in 2018, 55 per cent of surveyed Torontonians said they had many close friends and family members. In 2022, that number dropped to just 44 per cent of respondents. 

The percentage of people who report feeling lonely three days a week in Canada overall is 28 per cent. In Toronto, that percentage sits at 37 per cent and in the GTA, it’s 35 per cent–higher than the Canadian average. In Ontario overall, 31 per cent of people feel lonely. 

While it might seem like a small problem, the report notes that loneliness is a serious health issue, citing a 2017 study that found that lacking a social network is as dangerous as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. The same study found loneliness more dangerous than alcohol consumption, physical inactivity, obesity and air pollution. The report says isolation can increase one’s risk of developing heart disease by 30 per cent and early dementia by 50 per cent. It also increases a person’s susceptibility to addiction, obesity and suicide. 

Loneliness also has social consequences. The report says people with smaller friend networks are less likely to donate, volunteer, participate in groups or be interested in politics. 

The loneliness factor might be one reason Sohail sees a lot of repeat guests at the cafe. 

“People say, ‘Oh my God, this is weird’ at first, but they come back because they get to know each other. It creates real-life friendships,” she says.  

“Over time, people have been vulnerable with me and said they don’t know how to talk to new people. The cafe creation was serendipitous. It takes courage to walk into someone’s home, but it’s not what I set out to do. It was a sober place to meet people. It’s very chill, it’s very casual. You can be who you want to be.” 

Sohail says the meet-ups are, for many, a good alternative to the bar scene. 

“I connected with a lot of people while going out and partying, but I didn’t know if I wanted to go to the grocery store with someone I met that way, so I thought, ‘How can I connect with people in a sober environment?’” 

“I want people to feel like they’re hanging out with their friends.” 

As for who tends to snag tickets to the cafes, Sohail says attendees range in age and run the personality gamut from introverted to extroverted. That said, she says she’s been fortunate that attendees have been respectful and that her invites are–thanks to online algorithms–mostly being surfaced to earnest people who come to connect with others. 

“They’re all open, warm, multi-faceted and high-agency people,” she says. 

“People are making an effort to put themselves out there. I make sure everyone gets to talk and I gauge the different personalities.” 

As for more long-standing connections stemming from the cafes, Sohail says some people have gone on dates, made friendships that move outside the condo, and connected with other artists or people in their fields. 

“Two poets came and they talked about how they were struggling to make time for their craft. Now they run a writing accountability group on Saturdays, so a micro-community in the arts has flourished because of people meeting in my living room.” 

Sohail also says that while her family has been impressed by her idea and her dad (who she calls her best friend) has asked if she’s interested in “scaling up” the concept, she’s happy with the intimate nature of the cafes. 

“A room of 50 people is intimidating, but in a room of 15, you can float around and get deep. It’s not intimidating.”

She also facilitates the exchange of social media information after the cafes–taking the awkwardness out of shyly asking someone for their Instagram handle. 

“I ask people who come back why and they say they actually just feel connected with people after this event, whereas after other events, they don’t.” 

As for what’s next for the Serendipitous Cafe, Sohail says that, despite loving the intimacy of her small space, she’s not opposed to growing the concept. 

“There are other community spaces in San Francisco and New York City and Toronto is diverse and there are new cultures coming in, so I’d love a studio commercial space that is set up like a living room where people can come and work together,” she says, adding that the space could look like the Central Perk on Friends. 

“Imagine that, but instead of going with a group, everyone there has the possibility of being your friend.”